Today marks the beginning of my 25th week of pregnancy. These last six months have been filled with a flurry of emotions – shock, fear, excitement, anxiety, and most of all – unspeakable joy.
Learning that I was pregnant so soon after a loss was more difficult than I would have expected. Early in the pregnancy, every week was filled with terror and questions: Is the baby alright? Am I eating enough? Should I be sleeping earlier? Nightly vomiting sessions actually provided me with some sort of emotional relief, while sleeping through the night and not being jolted awake at 3 a.m. with an urge to pee would cause a near meltdown. Fear of losing another baby was at the forefront of my mind, and I was dangerously towing the line between “normal” and Crazy Town.
During these last six months I found it difficult to put into words how I was feeling about the pregnancy. Friends had encouraged me to write, and even Baby Center gave me weekly reminders to “write a pregnancy memory.” I was reluctant and afraid to be honest about how much in love I am with this baby whom I have never met, and how excited I am to meet her in a few short months.
Having been on the other side of pregnancy – miscarriage, grief, and loss – has made me much more grateful for the life that is now blooming inside of me. Her kicks and punches always bring a smile to my face, as she reminds me that she is growing, alive and well.
I am counting down the weeks until I get to meet our daughter. I am overwhelmed with love and excitement, and it is so hard to still hold loosely to this pregnancy, this baby. I imagine it will be even harder once she makes her entrance into this world. God help me.