What a Feeling

Tomorrow marks four months since my baby was born.

There were days when I thought I would never make it to tomorrow.  I was surprised to find that we were both alive and well at the four week mark.  I was sure that at any moment I might keel over and never wake up.  I was so sleep-deprived I would scratch at my eyes just to make sure my senses were still intact.

The best way I can describe those first couple months of motherhood is that it was a complete shock – a shock to the body, a shock to my identity, and ultimately to my life.  I felt more like a slave than a mother.  I thought living in a three-hour world would drive me mad for sure.  My life became a series of feeding, burping, holding, rocking, and diaper-changing sessions, and somewhere in between I was supposed to find time to eat and sleep.  When I looked in the mirror I wondered, “Who is that crazy homeless lady staring back at me?”  Predictability and schedules were thrown out the window.  I felt like I had lost control, lost my mind, and that my life was over.

This was not quite the picture of motherhood I had imagined before Aliya entered my life and rocked my world to the very core.

While I knew intellectually that motherhood would be an adjustment  – and a difficult one at that – perhaps in some corner of my mind I thought that motherhood would be a perpetual state of bliss because I wanted a baby so badly.  Instead, what I found was that it was more like a day that never ends, where I wanted someone to punch me in the face just so I could feel something.  It wasn’t long before I felt guilty, worthless, and like a complete and utter failure.  If all of the girls on Teen Mom could do it, why couldn’t I?

Moms repeatedly told me – “It WILL get better.”  I thought they were all psycho sadistic liars who were cruel enough to not warn me how miserable this all was.  Or they were all extremely well-adjusted with babies who never cried and always slept.

But slowly, things did get better.

She got bigger.  She started to smile.  And miracle of miracles – she learned how to SLEEP.  And so did I.

These days I can hardly get enough of her.

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
And it’s brighter than sunshine

Aqualung, “Brighter than Sunshine”

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6 thoughts on “What a Feeling

  1. and I think that I get sleep deprived with being a subwarden and being kept up by students – but that’s nothing compared what you’ve been going through! Good to read your writing again.

  2. what a beautiful picture of a woman falling helplessly and hopelessly in love. 😉 (you are making me want to blog now. its been a while.)

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