How I Really Feel About Having a Newborn

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and will be “full-term” in about two weeks.  My actual due date is at the very beginning of August.

How do I feel about meeting baby in August?  I am excited and curious to see what this next little person will be like. Will he be anything like me?  The first turned out to be a carbon copy of her dad (in both her physical features and her personality). I should have known when she shot out of the womb looking exactly like him. It’s like she got everything from him, save for the Y chromosome.

But among the feelings of excitement and curiosity are also a bit of fear and anxiety. You see, I know better this time. I know that entering into motherhood isn’t all beautiful and rosy, mixed in with a bit of fatigue. I know that feeling of exhaustion beyond belief (I once asked my cousin, who is a doctor, if I was going to die or lose my senses from sleeping so little because it didn’t seem humanly possible for a person to function off of so little sleep for so long). I know what it’s like to wonder if I will ever sleep again (usually at 3 in the morning when you know the rest of the world is fast asleep). I know that bonding doesn’t always happen immediately (and sometimes, not for a long while), and sometimes it feels like there is a new stranger in your house to whom you have just become a slave. I know that breastfeeding can be a painful journey, and not one that all moms are able to continue through the first year (or in my case, after the first month). I know what postpartum depression feels like, having to make the decision to go on medication, wondering if I would ever stop feeling like a failure or like I could ever get a handle on this new mom thing. I also know that much of my memory of the newborn stage is marred by my postpartum depression (PPD), which felt like it lasted forever (when in reality it only lasted a couple months).

On my birthday which passed a few weeks ago, KK asked me what I wanted in this next year. And I couldn’t think of anything else except for wanting to really enjoy my new baby this time around. I know it’s hard to enjoy all aspects of the newborn stage, what with the physical recovery from labor, the sleepless nights, and sore, leaky breasts. But I would like to be able to look back on this time with my son and not shudder.

My expectations are different this time around. While I know my experience with PPD doesn’t necessarily mean I will go through it again, I also know that it is a very real possibility. And I know I won’t have the same first-time mom anxieties again, but sleep deprivation can make any sane person a little mad. I’m really hoping this little guy likes to sleep. A LOT.

For now, we wait with anticipation and a little bit of nerves.  All I can hope for is a healthy little baby in August, and pray that I don’t lose my mind in the process.  Here’s to the next five weeks of wondering, waiting, hoping, and longing.

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3 thoughts on “How I Really Feel About Having a Newborn

  1. I love this. I love you guys. I love the little guy already! And don’t worry, you were always a little crazy, just couldn’t tell you directly.

  2. I think second time arounds it is definately easier. There are still udjustments to be made with the new member in the family. Amy, may God give you peace ad you wait for your precious baby boy.

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